The Courage to be Vulnerable

What google searches are you embarrassed of? I just found myself googling "How to practice emotional vulnerability." Woof... Going to google looking for profound and philosophical advice for self improvement? #youmighthavehitrockbottomwhen
Don't mind me, simultaneously creating a spotify playlist entitled "Selflove."
You may be surprised, and you may not, but emotional vulnerability has been something I've been praised for; in my acting, and in my relationships. I feel I've succeeded on more occasions than not in making it into that group of people who "have few inhibitions," "are free," "are confident," "don't care what other people think." (Note the many quotation marks.) I credit my success to my unwillingness to be truthful; unwillingness to be emotionally vulnerable.

So this so called vulnerability is a sham. No... not a sham. Just limited. Limited in the way that I will be vulnerable. Seemingly I will allow myself to be vulnerable in the most manipulative way possible. I am quite aware that a certain amount of vulnerability makes a person attractive. That person seems brave, honest, and trustworthy. However, cross the fine line and you're verging on socially awkward and unaware. A place I've feared my whole life.

Social awareness. Social "smarts". Knowing what to say and what to hold back.
These are very important things to make friends, to be attractive, to be likeable, yes? Perhaps these things are too important to me. They are too important to me. I could use a healthy dose of the "Idontcarewhatotherpeoplethinkscrewyouall" attitude.

I don't know about you, but when I hear the words emotional vulnerability, my mind tacks on the word weakness as a synonym. I'm not an idiot. I realize there's a difference between the self-unaware crying middle school girl talking about her several ex-cheating boyfriends, weight problems, and inabilities to every Tom, Dick, and Harry that will rub her knee and head bob, and the person who trusts their significant other/best friend enough to expose their sensitive, perhaps more complex side. I'm desperately searching for the line between the two with a microscope. Please contact me if anyone's had some luck in this area.

The keyword here is trust. It takes trust. Trusting the other person to accept your nakedness and not to harm you in your susceptible position. A belief that the person facing opposite you loves you. Believing they will accept you and not leave you. A little faith in the goodness of humanity for heaven's sake. Don't be fooled. Be very choosy; very specific as to who you allow into that side of you. But by all means, not allowing anyone into that side will bring about pain and emptiness. This isn't something I say from much life experience at my ripe old age of 21, but it's something I say from one very real life experience.

This blog offers many questions and few answers, but I'm choosing to practice the "Idontcarewhatotherpeoplethinkscrewyouall" attitude on this particular occasion. The fact of it is, I have many questions and few answers. However, in identifying this desperate need for courage to be vulnerable, I feel closer to answers than before. And we leave the shoe untied for now.