No competition

Curved lines
Light falls
Most seductive shadows

Open mouths
Digitally perfect
Non human - a goddess

No competition
All is won and lost
Kill womankind
Worship imagination

Betterment Over Anger

This morning I was reading an article on Facebook posted by a particularly vocal and self-identifying feminist.
Are you still reading? Great. I'm pleased. No, don't be offended, it's just that it's not a popular word here in the conservative Bible-belt community of Lynchburg, VA. My intent is not to incriminate feminism. I am also a self-identifying feminist, but don't misunderstand me. What that means exactly is another blog for another day...
This friend is constantly posting controversial and sometimes shocking articles on the newsfeed followed by remarks of outrage sprinkled with sassy witticisms. Despite my better judgement, I sometimes (sigh) fall for the ploy and open the article to check it out. After all, it was a story of college rape; something that we should all be informed of.

I began reading hoping to... well I don't know what I was hoping for, but the title had a positive and hopeful phrasing indicating that this university was handling such a situation in the correct way. I'm a sucker for optimism. I'd rather read an article about how we can do things right instead of reading an article pointing fingers at vilified corporations and businesses.

I'm a few paragraphs in. Sarcasm. Indirect blame shifting. Strong opinionated language. Enough already. All typed out in the confident anonymity of a username.
I was so disappointed. I wanted to read something beneficial - something constructive. This argumentative non-factual mess was nothing close to helpful. The thing is, even if the writer was a credible and informed source, I still cannot trust them because of the humorous cynicism that littered the language. I do not believe I am alone when I say that it is easier to trust information from a source that seems more detached as an observant third party, and not a fight-picking vigilante that wants to jump in the fight themselves using the internet as some digital weapon.

If I felt that the writer was open to new information, methods of betterment, and understanding, then I would find it much easier to give into their perspective and collaborate with my own thinking as to how we can work to prevent such tragedies in the future. I am asking a lot of those providing the internet with information, and I realize there are several million of "those people."

But aren't we interested in betterment anymore and not solely expressing anger?

I'd love to hear more thoughts on this. Please change my mind.

The Courage to be Vulnerable

What google searches are you embarrassed of? I just found myself googling "How to practice emotional vulnerability." Woof... Going to google looking for profound and philosophical advice for self improvement? #youmighthavehitrockbottomwhen
Don't mind me, simultaneously creating a spotify playlist entitled "Selflove."
You may be surprised, and you may not, but emotional vulnerability has been something I've been praised for; in my acting, and in my relationships. I feel I've succeeded on more occasions than not in making it into that group of people who "have few inhibitions," "are free," "are confident," "don't care what other people think." (Note the many quotation marks.) I credit my success to my unwillingness to be truthful; unwillingness to be emotionally vulnerable.

So this so called vulnerability is a sham. No... not a sham. Just limited. Limited in the way that I will be vulnerable. Seemingly I will allow myself to be vulnerable in the most manipulative way possible. I am quite aware that a certain amount of vulnerability makes a person attractive. That person seems brave, honest, and trustworthy. However, cross the fine line and you're verging on socially awkward and unaware. A place I've feared my whole life.

Social awareness. Social "smarts". Knowing what to say and what to hold back.
These are very important things to make friends, to be attractive, to be likeable, yes? Perhaps these things are too important to me. They are too important to me. I could use a healthy dose of the "Idontcarewhatotherpeoplethinkscrewyouall" attitude.

I don't know about you, but when I hear the words emotional vulnerability, my mind tacks on the word weakness as a synonym. I'm not an idiot. I realize there's a difference between the self-unaware crying middle school girl talking about her several ex-cheating boyfriends, weight problems, and inabilities to every Tom, Dick, and Harry that will rub her knee and head bob, and the person who trusts their significant other/best friend enough to expose their sensitive, perhaps more complex side. I'm desperately searching for the line between the two with a microscope. Please contact me if anyone's had some luck in this area.

The keyword here is trust. It takes trust. Trusting the other person to accept your nakedness and not to harm you in your susceptible position. A belief that the person facing opposite you loves you. Believing they will accept you and not leave you. A little faith in the goodness of humanity for heaven's sake. Don't be fooled. Be very choosy; very specific as to who you allow into that side of you. But by all means, not allowing anyone into that side will bring about pain and emptiness. This isn't something I say from much life experience at my ripe old age of 21, but it's something I say from one very real life experience.

This blog offers many questions and few answers, but I'm choosing to practice the "Idontcarewhatotherpeoplethinkscrewyouall" attitude on this particular occasion. The fact of it is, I have many questions and few answers. However, in identifying this desperate need for courage to be vulnerable, I feel closer to answers than before. And we leave the shoe untied for now.